Unplanned and Unscripted: A Conversation to Remember

We share a candid archival recording and explore how intuition, creativity, and family rituals shape the way we move through changing seasons. Joy and grief sit side by side as we talk about expanding families, navigating “last firsts,” and finding courage in the unknown.

• plans shift from guest episode to archival audio
• intuition that shifts the room and guides decisions
• creative energy in early motherhood and postpartum
• grief for last firsts while loving the present
• honest talk about fear, risk, and recovery
• keeping the oldest a kid amid new routines
• small rituals that anchor family life
• learning our podcast rhythm and process
• gratitude for listener polls and community
• upcoming hopes for meetups and future topics

If this episode spoke to you, subscribe and leave a review so other listeners can find Heart on the Table. New episodes land every Wednesday.

Join the conversation on Instagram @heartonthetablepod

Transcript

Plans Change, New Idea Emerges

SPEAKER_01 0:52

Welcome back to Heart on the Table. This week we were anticipating on releasing a special guest episode with one of my friends, Kathleen. Our daughters are in dance together, and she has quite the story just about having a premi and an experience in the NICU. Unfortunately, she was sick this morning, so we are gonna have to reschedule with her and hopefully we'll be able to get that episode out within the next few weeks. Instead, we have a special episode, another special episode. I'll let Miranda introduce it.

Cue The Saved Audio Reveal

SPEAKER_02 1:23

Yes. So we've been sitting on this audio, and we're gonna play it for you here in just a second. We've been sitting on this audio for several months now, and it's been very special, and we're excited to be able to get to use it today. So we will let you hear that now, and then we're going to just come back and talk a little bit about what that was like to re-watch that video this morning.

SPEAKER_01 1:48

Enjoy. I feel like I instantly saw you relax when I brought up that we could workshop for a second. I feel okay, I feel like my brain is very split. Yes. Today I'm feeling the same way. I feel like last week our recording was so good. And I'm scared that it may have not saved in full on my garage band. Okay. But I feel like it was so organic, and I feel like we're having a hard time recreating that. Like, because I think what I'm thinking about is what we talked about last week. Are you thinking the same thing?

SPEAKER_02 2:18

Yeah, I'm trying to remember what like threads to pull from there. I know.

SPEAKER_00 2:23

I'm also I found out yesterday. I'm also brilliant.

SPEAKER_01 2:27

Shut the fine congratulations. Like, yes, you're on like another fucking planet today. Oh my god. Yeah, it's okay though. Just like in the back of my head and it like won't go away. I can't even.

SPEAKER_00 2:41

Oh my god, congratulations. Thank you. How far long are you? Five weeks.

SPEAKER_01 2:47

Okay, so it's early. Yeah. My gosh. Okay, I knew that you mentioned to me a little while ago that you were trying. So no wonder earlier you were like, I'm just trying to figure out how to get out of work right now. Oh my god, be out of work. Okay. I feel like this is like great content now. It's like a way down the line. Because yes, I'm like, there's something off.

SPEAKER_00 3:11

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited for you.

SPEAKER_01 3:14

So that would put your due date when? April 18th. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 3:18

Grayson was born April 17th. Oh my god. That's crazy. So this time last year was when I got pregnant.

SPEAKER_01 3:25

Close because he was also six weeks early. So hopefully that doesn't happen to you. Yeah. But yeah, he was born April 17th, which that is a fucking synchronicity. Yeah. That's crazy. That's awesome.

The Pregnancy Surprise

unknown 3:37

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_02 3:38

You wanna know it was okay. We're just gonna.

SPEAKER_01 3:40

Yeah, we can leave it on and maybe like down the line we'll be like, we can come back to that when you're ready to announce that you're pregnant and stuff. We can be like, we can release this and be like something's not right. She'd be like, I'm pregnant.

unknown 3:52

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 3:53

So we'll just leave it. It's totally fine. And the camera is totally the same charge. Yeah. Which is great. That's amazing. At least we figured out. We figured everything out. And I think if it truly, if I do have that first recording, it was it really was good. Like I felt like you and I hit a rhythm when we were talking anyway.

SPEAKER_02 4:12

So yes. It was like I don't know, like finding out was definitely different than the first time. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 4:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:20

Because I already knew.

SPEAKER_01 4:21

How do you know?

SPEAKER_02 4:22

Just like internally.

SPEAKER_01 4:24

I knew. Like I knew too with Grayson.

SPEAKER_02 4:26

I had been laying on the like living room floor a couple of weeks ago, and I just felt all sorts of I was like, this is implantation.

SPEAKER_01 4:34

That's exactly what happened. I was like, I can feel it. Yeah, and Tori was like, no way, Brie. And I was like, I am telling you, I can feel the sperm meeting right now. And he was like, there's no way. And as soon as I could take that pregnancy test, I was like, I fucking told them. He was like, that's too light. That line is too light. And I was like, Tori, look it up. That is a line. And he was like, and then he came upstairs like 30 minutes later and he was like, You're right, that's a line. And I was like, I've been telling you for since like week one. Yeah.

unknown 5:07

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_02 5:08

That was crazy. Yeah. So you felt it. Yeah, I think Chase was making dinner and I was like, dude, I think it worked. Oh my gosh. I'm so excited for you. I'm like about to cry. I've been all sorts of like emotional, but haven't had like the time for the space to sit down and be emotional. Like I was emotional driving here this morning. Yeah. I'm honored.

SPEAKER_01 5:31

I'm honored that you're telling me. I could feel it. I was like, something is on your mind. Yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:38

What emotions are you feeling? I think everything. I think I've not been in my fields lately, just trying to make the business work and then all the logistical stuff. And then realizing like how big Eo's gotten.

SPEAKER_01 5:53

There's nothing like having your second that makes you look at your first and what's making me emotional. Recognize how big they've gotten. Like I was holding Charlie's hand yesterday and I was just like, I looked at her and I was like, your hand is so big. It's so big. And I look at Grayson all the time and I'm just like, Charlie is not that anymore. And he is my last because it was so traumatic bringing him earth side. And two, because we only wanted two anyway. So I'm just like everything now. I'm just like, this is the last time. It's so hard. Yeah. Yep. So difficult. Yeah. Yep. Last verse. I saw there's uh somebody I follow on Instagram who they started a podcast in their local, but I think they stopped doing their podcast. I think it was called Double Scoop. But it was like two one, two just two moms. One's a photographer in Utah that's pretty popular. But she found out that she was having triplets.

SPEAKER_00 6:55

Yeah.

Feeling It Before The Test

SPEAKER_01 6:55

It just turned one. But she she was talking about it on the podcast when she first found out she was pregnant. And she was like, I swear that I'm having twins. And she was like, twins running my husband's family. I think I'm like, I it's gonna be twins. And she was like, I just feel so pregnant in comparison to my last. And then she found out she was having three. So she was still surprised. Yeah, she was still surprised. But I don't remember why I even brought that up. Oh, she was talking, she made an Instagram post the other day talking about it was her triplet's first birthday. And she was like, not only is this hitting me because this is like our last firsts, but it's three of them. Like it's three of them all turning one and grieving three little babies. I'm like, oh my gosh. Yeah, that's hard. So hard. My goodness. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:48

I feel like I'm just I don't know. I feel like when I'm pregnant and when I'm early postpartum, I have all sorts of like creative energy. I just feel so close to the source. The fool as you're trying to talk about early. Of all creation. Yeah. And I was reading a book, that book that I recommended to you. Oh yeah. One of the chapters was talking about how like the closest anybody could ever feel to God or whatever God looks like for people is when they're pregnant. Because A, you're creating life, so it's like your God yourself. Yeah. And B, it also feels like you're gonna die. Absolutely. So that of where I was going with that was like I think I had spent a lot of time previously like making poems of all of these really strong feelings, like postpartum. And one of them was and this is how I'm feeling now, but one of them was just about how you're just you're standing still and you watch like time ripple out in both directions.

SPEAKER_01 8:47

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 8:47

Like I can see like how far I've come, how much things have changed, how I'm a different person entirely, and also like I can see what's coming, yeah, and I can see what's going to change, and I can see what I will lose, like with growing up. Yep. Or watching these babies go up by.

SPEAKER_01 9:07

I know, yeah.

unknown 9:08

So I'm just sitting there.

SPEAKER_01 9:09

I know. I call my babies little measurements of time because it's like there's nothing that like measures time. Unlike truly having a child is just like you are confronted with time every day. Like I look at the baby pictures of Charlie on our little like skylight thing that pop up all the time. First of all, she looks just like Grayson. So I'm always like, which baby is that? And I have to look at the background because I'm like, they are seriously. Okay, there was a point where we shaved Charlie's head because her hair was so out of control. So when she was like five months, we buzzed her head. So in those pictures, she really looks like Grayson right now because they look identical. But anyway, when I see those pictures pop up on my skylight all the time, I'm just like, that's gone. That's gone. And that version of me is gone. And finding out I'm pregnant for the first time, that's gone. Yep. I was thinking the other day, my two babies are here. I'll never be pregnant again, which like, oh, it's like making me so emotional. Especially because it just like it last time was rough, and I was so hoping that it was gonna be better and then it was gonna be different. And it's so interesting. Like I posted that TikTok the other day talking about like birth and that pastor dude who was like, it takes no biological talent to be to bring forth human life.

SPEAKER_00 10:28

I was like, that motherfucker.

SPEAKER_01 10:30

Like I felt like I was dying. Truly. I looked at the doctor and asked him, like, Am I gonna like when they had to put me back on those meds? I looked at him and I said, Am I leaving this hospital? Because I was so scared that I wasn't going home and I wasn't gonna be there for my babies. So anyway, it's yeah, it's scary. And I hate to scare you because now you're pregnant. And people love to drop like birth stories on you that are terrifying when you're pregnant, I swear. But like this is fresh still when I'm still processing it. But it's crazy that like that time in my life now is now over. I will never be pregnant again. Yeah. But I'm also so excited for you. Do you want more than two? I don't know yet. Yeah. We talked about two. I talked about three. I used to say three until I got my second, and I was like, oh my goodness. So can I have you? I'm so excited for you. Oh, especially because I knew, okay, because when we had coffee, like one of the either the first time or the second time when I pulled your card, so you mentioned like that you were gonna be trying again. So it's been on my mind. I wonder when she's gonna be it's right now. Oh my goodness. It's so funny because right now we're having a much more easy conversation. I know. Right. Something is off. Something is off here.

SPEAKER_02 11:47

Oh my goodness. It's a balance. I think last time, even though last time was organic, like it was a lot of trying to figure out what the fuck we were doing. Totally. And we spent the like first part of this morning figuring out what the fuck we were doing.

The Last Firsts And Grief

SPEAKER_01 12:00

Yeah, and I'm like, This is a bad one. I really hope I didn't want to leave that first audio because it was it was good. I'm telling you, I was so invested in editing it because I was like, this is really good because this was a great conversation, and I don't think we can recreate it. I truly don't. Like it was just we were able to just go there.

SPEAKER_02 12:18

I wonder if it like the difference I feel like for me and between the two is or even just right now. Yes, we have this topic, and yes, we have points, and I feel like my brain wants to make sure I don't lose sight of those points, so it also doesn't allow my brain to venture away. So I feel like if I venture away, I'll forget the points I want to make. And that's why I'm like overthinking and like too much in my logo brain and not enough in my like feeling brain.

SPEAKER_01 12:47

Which I think there was a moment last week when we were recording where it shifted. And I think for me, it was when I said, I'm just gonna look at you and like just have a conversation. Yeah, and that's where I was like, okay, this is so different than me like worrying about what's on here. There are points on here that I wanted to hit, and for the most part, we did hit them last year. But I think that more than us like teaching a lesson, right? Yes, like you're saying, like I but obviously we want to keep connected to some of this stuff, but like we're not teaching a lesson, we're talking about like our interpretations of this stuff and how it hits close to our lives, and how hopefully that resonates with somebody else. So I think that the more out of that thinking part of our brain we can be, the better, yeah, this is.

unknown 13:35

Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_01 13:36

I think that like we can make this an absolutely relatable clip because of course you're like preoccupied. Holy shit, you found out yesterday.

SPEAKER_02 13:44

Yeah, oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 13:46

I don't know about you, but when I found out, there's definitely a part of me that like grieved that it wasn't just gonna be me and Charlie anymore, too. Yep, which now it's it feels so it does feel our family feels so complete. And the other day, like I was talking to Tori and I was like, isn't this cool? Because we did a little family night on Friday where I've been trying to eat like dinner in our actual dining room every night now, and then Fridays I'm gonna try and make it a tradition where we can get pizza and sit in the living room and watch a movie. And because Charlie loves eating in the dining room, but I'm like, honey, like we can't eat every meal in front of the TV. Okay, like it's a problem. Last week I was like, we're gonna change this up, and we've been doing a lot of and like good pivoting away from screen time at home for her, which has been really good. Anyway, I was talking to Tori when we were coming home from Costco on Friday night with our pizza and we got our swig and everything, and we were gonna go home and watch a movie, and I was like, We like created this. This is I'm like having a letdown right now. My body's like, Yes, we did it. But like, we created this, this is our little family, and it does feel so complete now. And Grayson adds so much. Like, he's my little man, he is obsessed with me, which is he is mama's little boy for sure. He just lights up when I come in the room. But like I definitely grieved that like I wasn't like Charlie wasn't just it anymore.

SPEAKER_02 15:11

Yeah, I think it's so easy for as much as I want to know that I stay present in every moment, it's just very easy to just completely disconnect.

SPEAKER_01 15:20

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 15:21

So, like yesterday we were watching cars, which Theo's totally into cars right now, and it was like, oh my god. It was the part of the movie where Lightning McQueen takes a drive with Sally and they go up to the wheel well. Okay, and she tells them all about like how the place used to be and how she left her life in attorney in LA or whatever before the slower-paced life. And they of course they've got like the melancholy music playing in the background and it shows what they had and how they lost it. Like they show the town busy and then like it fades to like they're desolate, there's no one there. And so that was already like a really emotional part of the movie. But the he like loves playing with my hair. Like it's adorable and also sometimes can be very overstimulating. Sure. That's a commonly used word in my home.

SPEAKER_01 16:11

My husband will tell you.

SPEAKER_02 16:12

So he's sitting there playing with my hair, which was fine, but then all of a sudden, like out of the blue, he started like giving the back of my head kisses while I was watching this part of the movie, and it's like, oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

I know.

SPEAKER_02 16:25

Sweet boy come here.

Creativity, Faith, And Birth’s Edge

SPEAKER_01 16:28

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_02 16:30

And we just like Yeah. So like I'm excited to see who he's going to be as like an older brother. And also, like, I'm an older sibling myself. Case is an older sibling, yeah. But also, like, knowing all that comes with that. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

Yeah. I've tried very hard to make Charlie know that like she still gets to be a kid. Which I think that my me and my sister have a very large age gap. We are like seven and a half years apart. So our relationship was always seven and a half years apart. You know what I mean? And now we're a lot closer. But I like there's absolutely dynamics that I don't feel like I was ever robbed of like being a kid. There's other traumas that probably robbed me of being a kid that don't have anything to do with being an older sibling. But I for Charlie, because they are a lot closer, I've tried to make sure that she knows like she gets to still be a kid. She has enough care for a little brother. But it is it's hard. It's hard when your first baby is no longer the only baby. Luckily, Charlie loves daddy, so mommy can be like present with the beam, but yeah, it's hard. Life is gonna change. But it's also the best. I know. Okay, let's wrap up so we can clean up. We can go get our little reading. And if we decide to make this a podcast episode down the line, like way down the line. Thanks for listening. As we're finding our footing still, but also like I feel like this was a cute, vulnerable talk. So yeah, thank you.

SPEAKER_02 18:01

Thank you for listening. Okay, oh my goodness. Yes, so surprise. That's been a really special audio and video to hold on to, and we've had this in the back of our minds for, like I said, several months now. So today we are going to be sharing that with all of you. But we got here this morning and where we were talking about what we would record today, and the idea for this mini episode came to mind. So Brie and I sat down and re-watched 15 minutes of that first episode, or one of the first episodes we ever did, and it was just very touching to to go back and rewatch that and to see just how far we've come. To see how far we've come in just even recording this podcast. I think we recorded that episode with even different equipment. We didn't quite have our feet underneath us as far as the way that we wanted to do this podcast. We just knew it was something that we wanted to do. And as you can tell, that episode was very spontaneous. I think we started off talking about the fool, and we totally just diverted into spur of the moment conversation. So that was it was very meaningful, and again, it was one of the reasons why we wanted to share all of this with you.

SPEAKER_01 19:32

Yeah, yeah. It was very validating in that moment when I was telling Miranda something just feels off. I was like, I could just tell that your mind was somewhere else, and I was spot on. Yeah, your therapist, your intuition. They are pretty in tune. Yeah, I will say. Yeah, I just knew that day. But yeah, it was fun, and it was fun that we got it like on video too. And I think we sat on it for a minute, just letting you figure out whether or not that was something that you wanted to share. So thank you for allowing us to share it with our listeners.

SPEAKER_02 20:05

Yes, and thank you all for being a part of it, for tuning in every week as we create more things to share with you all, and thank you again for even participating in like the story polls that we post. And that's been so valuable and so encouraging and fun to see how many responses we get and how many listeners are invested in what we're doing here. Again, I think that in the near future, we are really hoping to have the opportunity to meet some of you, all of you, whoever wants to come in person and grow our community that way too.

Time, Photos, And Letting Go

SPEAKER_01 20:41

Yeah, I think we're very hopeful to do something like in maybe in January, like in the new year. So we will keep everyone posted on that. I think as December, as then as the new year gets closer, we'll have something a little bit more maybe worked out for what that will look like. But the story polls have been fun and it's been fun to see how many responses that we've been getting. It's it's still a small number, like it's still, I think it's like under 20, but I'm still like that's pretty significant because I always think about well, what if I think it was you that said, or maybe I think it was you that was like, what if a hundred people were like in the room? No, it was my husband, where I was like, We only have we only got 30 downloads, or we only got a hundred followers on Instagram. And he was like, Visualize a room with a hundred people in it. That's a pretty packed room. And I was like, that's a really good point. So just knowing that we've got like 15 to 20 responses on our story polls, and like we'll visualize a room with 15 to 20 people in it, like you would feel pretty surrounded. Yeah. So I'm like, thank you for everyone or to everyone who has been participating. It's been really fun. Yeah. Next week, I think we'll be back to the chariot. Unless my friend does come record with us, we would probably release that episode next week. Enjoy this episode and tune in. Keep tuning in.

SPEAKER_02 22:04

Yes, thank you so much. And again, if you have any questions, comments, feedback, thoughts to share, please reach out via the Google form or send us a message. We always love hearing from you. And again, thank you just so much for participating in these episodes. I think I just love the fact that we get to include you all in the next episode.

SPEAKER_01 22:29

Yeah, me too.

SPEAKER_02 22:30

Based on your responses. So again, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 22:33

Thank you. Bye.