Holiday Stress, Boundaries, and Protecting Your Peace

We map the real reasons holidays feel heavy—expectation, people-pleasing, money pressure, and old roles—and show how to choose connection without abandoning yourself. From elf anxiety to budget boundaries, we share scripts and steady practices that protect your peace.

• acknowledging holiday stress and why it spikes
• story poll insights on overwhelm and guilt
• kids’ anxiety around elves and Santa reframed
• choosing experiences over panic-buying gifts
• unspoken expectations and adult roles at home
• asking for support without mind reading
• estrangement as self-protection and grief
• boundaries that protect time, money, and energy
• simple scripts to say no and repeat limits
• holding duality of joy and grief with care

Just a reminder about our workshop coming up on January 4th. If you want to sign up, you can find the link on our Instagram or it’s also on eleveneleventherapyco.com. Also, if this episode resonated with you, send it to somebody that you know who could also benefit! Thanks for listening!

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Transcript

Workshop Gratitude And Holiday Setup

SPEAKER_01 1:44

Welcome back to Heart on the Table. We are excited today to do a holiday episode. I wanted to just say thank you to everybody who signed up for our workshop so far. I'm excited that we've had people sign up. I, to be honest, was kind of feeling some imposter syndrome and was like, is anyone even gonna sign up for this? But we've had a good amount of people sign up so far. I think we're at six total. So that's really exciting. Definitely hoping to get a few more. I've had a few people reach out and let me know that they plan to sign up. I was kind of anticipating that maybe more people would sign up after Christmas because I feel like everyone's minds are probably very tunnel-visioned on like holiday Christmas, getting through Christmas right now. Which brings us to doing our holiday episode. Yes.

SPEAKER_04 2:37

So thank you so much for tuning in to listen every week. We appreciate all your participation and feedback, and we love hearing from you. And today we're going to be um going over a couple of story polls.

Why Holidays Trigger Stress

SPEAKER_01 2:55

Before we go into story polls, I wanted to say that I got the idea for this episode because in a lot of like client sessions lately, a lot of holiday drama, stress, dynamic stuff is starting to come up in sessions, which it always does during the holiday time. I always check in with clients, like starting before Thanksgiving, about like how are we feeling with the upcoming holidays approaching? And it just brings up a lot for a lot of people, I think, and just a lot of stress. And yeah, so I told Miranda when we were talking about like what should we record in tandem with our tarot episode this Sunday. I was like, we should do like a I kept saying holiday hustle. I was like, holiday hustle, like that's what it feels like. So yeah. And then you came up with some story polls, so you can go into those. Yeah, for sure.

Story Polls: Overwhelm Clues

SPEAKER_04 3:49

Okay. So again, just thank you for everyone who participated. Could not make these story polls possible without you. And the first question we had was when you feel overwhelmed during the holidays, what is your first clue? Um, 29% said a tight chest, 57% said snapping at people, 7% said feeling frozen, and 7% said feeling like they want to disappear. The next question is I don't know if should we reflect on that?

SPEAKER_01 4:24

Yeah, should we reflect on that? That's what I was thinking in my head too. Yeah, we can reflect on that a little bit. My mind kept going. I know. Um, I think remind me how so what you say 57% said snapping at people, and then 29% was the first time. Tight chests too. Tight chests. What were the other two again?

SPEAKER_04 4:42

Feeling frozen and wanting to disappear.

SPEAKER_01 4:45

I definitely can relate to just like the snapping at people and like that tight chest feeling. Like I feel like everything during the ha there's so many expectations around the holidays and how we're supposed to show up that I think we're just not in our window of tolerance. Or at least I'm not. I shouldn't say we. Tori and I keep having this calling each other out whenever we say we, but what we really mean is I. Like, we should do that for the house. And Tori's like, you mean I, as in like you're telling me to do that. So I can keep an eye on that. I think even in my client sessions, I often say we when I really mean you. Yeah, I do that too. Yeah, actually, yes. That's what I'm just thinking about. Like, I think there's so much pressure and expectation to perform to people please. I know that came up in some of these story polls as well, and keeps coming up in a lot of my sessions. That like it's so hard to just be still and be regulated.

SPEAKER_04 5:55

Agreed. And I think too when I answered this question myself, I was like, well, all of these, like all of the above, the story polls will only allow you to do four choices, four options, which fine. But I think what this question asks is like, what is the first clue? That's what I had to come back to when answering this question for myself is what is my first clue? Like, yes, all of these things happen, but like what's the sign? What's the first sign?

SPEAKER_01 6:27

Is it like the first sign of that we're not necessarily regulated or the first sign that the holidays are approaching?

SPEAKER_04 6:35

Um, just when you're when you feel overwhelmed, that's the first sign. So probably, I mean, I take that as probably in the moment. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:55

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 6:56

For the next however long month, month and a half or so.

Expectations, Snapping, And Window Of Tolerance

SPEAKER_01 6:59

And I hate, I can totally identify like snapping at my children. I was trying to get Charlie's like Elsa braid ready yesterday for a party that wasn't actually until today, after this podcast. I asked her, like, do you want an Elsa braid? She said, No, mom. I want two, I want two braids. And I said, Okay, fine. I've had to learn how to braid her hair. I finished with the two braids, which because I've had to learn, I'm better at it now, but it's still like a task. I finished with the two braids, and she goes and looks in the mirror, and she goes, sh her face disappointed. I was like, What is the problem? She's like, This isn't an Elsa braid. I was like, sweetheart, I asked you, did you want an Elsa braid? And you said no. Over and over again. You said no. She's like, Mom, I wanted an Elsa braid. And I'm like, I'm freaking out over this fucking Elsa braid. And my husband was like, Brie, you need to like bring it down.

SPEAKER_00 7:58

Okay, like it's a braid.

SPEAKER_01 8:00

And I was like, I know, but like, it's and I think like that is also coupled with like yesterday we had the birthday party, we had like stuff that we were doing in the evening for like Christmas celebration, and it's just like it's so go, go, go in December, you know, that like something as simple as like my daughter being frustrated about her hair set me off.

SPEAKER_04 8:22

Yeah, because you have everything to plan, right? There's so much going on, and you have to be at this place at this time, and now you're running late, maybe because you've done the wrong braid. She didn't want that's hard.

SPEAKER_01 8:36

Yep. That's so Yeah. Continue.

SPEAKER_04 8:40

What other what's the next question? The next question was the hardest boundary for you this season is saying no to events, 38%, limiting family time, 15%, protecting rest, 15%, and sticking to a budget, 31%. Quite a good mix in there, I think.

Budgets, Panic Buying, And Presence

SPEAKER_01 9:00

The sticking to a budget one, I keep getting this Instagram post, TikTok post, whatever that keeps coming up on my feed. That's like if you are feeling the urge to go panic by a bunch of toys before Christmas for your children, you need to listen to that feeling and not do it. Because I feel like every year since we've had Charlie, we like, we're always like, okay, we're gonna be very, you know, we're gonna get a few things. Right, like a few things that are super fun that show love, plenty. Okay, plenty. Wait, she already has plenty that we've already purchased every year before we get to Christmas. We start doing this thing, like, okay, wait, what did we buy? And then we go, is that enough? And I'm like, that is so not how I want to be as a parent. Yeah, I do not want to be like showering. I mean, of course, as a parent, you want to give your kids the world, but the world is not plastic garbage, right? And I don't want her to think it's plastic garbage because every year we're always like, Did we get enough? And then we go panic by a bunch of garbage that like is garbage.

SPEAKER_04 10:10

Yeah, I definitely feel a lot that a little bit more this year, too. I mean, because Theo's two and a half almost last year. I mean, he didn't really know what was going on, right?

SPEAKER_01 10:20

But like this year, a little more like anticipatory.

SPEAKER_04 10:23

Absolutely. Like he is watching all of the Christmas movies this morning, actually. Oh my god, it was so cute. And I couldn't, in my like sleep deprived-ish state of mind, I couldn't really pick out what he was saying. So we all sleep in the standing room, yeah. Trying to get away from that right now, but and he just when he's ready to wake up. I mean, there are definitely some mornings where he's a bit more grumpy and like whines and like doesn't like doesn't want to wake up, clearly. But this morning he kind of just woke up on his own. It was early. I mean, I thought it was early, but that's it.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

It's early when Charlie wakes up. I'm like, girl, you have nowhere to be, girl. Go back to sleep.

SPEAKER_04 11:08

Yeah. That was this morning.

SPEAKER_00 11:10

Yep.

SPEAKER_04 11:10

Anyways, he wakes up and he starts talking. He just starts talking and he wakes up on his own. So he wa this morning he said something like in and out, prep and landing guys. And I didn't know what he was saying at first. Like I heard the in and out, but I heard the purple something. And my husband from our bed, he goes, Prep and landing, guys. You want to watch Prep and Landing?

SPEAKER_01 11:34

And oh, I saw that come up on our Netflix or on something. Disney.

SPEAKER_04 11:39

He was like, Watch TV, watch Prep and Landing. And because that's that's part of like the one of their episodes like the main character is saying, That's our mission statement, in and out. That's so cute. And it was just adorable. But like the pressure is there because he is watching these things about good kids get Christmas presents. I definitely feel that myself. I also see like videos on Instagram and TikTok, or my husband will send me videos about how like kids won't remember what you got them this Christmas, but they'll remember the experiences. How it felt, or the trips that you take. Like, we're a big trip family. Yeah. I think I did panic, not panic by, but I was like, maybe you could use some more clothes. Yeah. Uh-huh. Clothes that seem like laundry seems to be on you know, a never-ending chore. And I know we're always running out of clothes. I don't know where they go.

SPEAKER_00 12:39

I couldn't tell you where all of his clothes are. They're either dirty or missing. Yes. Or in a basket.

Elf Anxiety, Santa Pressure, And Kids’ Feelings

SPEAKER_01 12:45

Okay, this brings up a good point, or like something that I think is so worthwhile in talking about that I didn't foresee or even think about with this episode. But I think this is really good. I have been talking with a lot of clients about like children will remember maybe not explicitly, but they will remember implicitly what it felt like around the holidays. And I was talking with some clients recently because just like mom clients who are also feeling very similarly, like, did I get enough? Am I making it magical enough? There's so much pressure on moms to make Christmas magical. But we were talking about like, what do you remember from Christmas? And it wasn't anything that they opened. It was always like, well, me, like we did hot cocoa or like we got our Christmas jammies. Like it was felt experiences more than it was anything related to what was under the tree. And I I just feel like that I want to drive that home. And I'm driving it home for myself too. Because like when we're dancing balancing that line between living in such a time where overconsumption is such an issue, like we're so quick to go to Amazon or to like an Amazon period, right? And like start ordering shit when it's like that's not what our kids are going to remember. That's not what this is about. Like, and that just causes so much stress, you know, when it it's like I just think it's important to remember kids remember what it felt like and creating experiences that speak more to like feeling are more important than anything. Yeah. Also, you said Theo's starting to pick up on the like kids who are good get presents. Okay, how do I I should put a trigger, not a trigger warning, but a preface. We're gonna talk about the elf. So if you have kids around while you're listening to this little portion of the podcast, pause this, come back later. I need to talk explicitly about Santa and the elf right now. We set up our elves this year. Okay. Initially, before I bought into doing the elf, we were trying to do a Christmas gnome. And there's a poem that goes with the Christmas gnome. I'm gonna find it and read it real quick. Yes, it was a Christmas gnome instead of the elf. And the poem is elf on a shelf spies, but what they tell Santa is lies. Everyone makes mistakes and children deserve kindness for goodness' sakes. Gnomes are wise, they appear in disguise, dressed like Santa, they hear the elf's report. Gnomes never take children to court. Naughty or nice, no need to check the list twice. Gnomes don't need to see beyond their hood. Gnomes know all children are good. And when I before we like bought into the elf when Charlie was about two, she still didn't really know kind of like Theo, right? Like what was going on until up until this year.

SPEAKER_03 15:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:43

But then, so we did gnomes and I read her that poem. Like, there's no stress. The gnome's eyes are covered because the gnome knows he doesn't need to go report back to Santa, right? Well, then last year, her preschool was like, we're gonna be doing elves in the classroom. And I was like, we've got to do the fucking elf because every kid has an elf. Charlie's gonna know, she's gonna find out if she doesn't have an elf. So we got an elf, did the whole elf thing last year, but this year Charlie's now four, so she's even more kind of aware of like what is going on. And we did the elf. I haven't said to her, like, elves go back and report to Santa. I don't tell her elves are watching. I'm just like, elves are here for fun. Because I don't want her to feel like our home is like under supervision by the elves, right? But there was like day two or three where she is kind of picking. I tell her we don't touch the elves, but I also tell her the elves understand if we touch them, they're gonna go back to the North Pole, they're gonna get their magic back. It's like no big deal. But before I like really told her that, day two of the elves, she accidentally touched the elf. And I just saw her have like a full-on panic moment of like, and I was like, Oh my gosh, I do not want my kid to be thinking that like, I just don't want her to be having anxiety over anything related to Christmas. And there was a day or two, and I told her in that moment, like, sweetheart, the elves, they get it, they get it. We're gonna accidentally touch them. Our elves understand, like, and so she was like, Okay, mom, good deal. The next day, she started to say something around like, Mom, am I not being good? Is Santa not gonna bring me presents? And I'm like, Oh my gosh, sweetheart. This is like so much anxiety for kids.

SPEAKER_04 17:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:32

The whole Santa thing. The pressure, the pressure.

SPEAKER_04 17:35

My heart hurts.

SPEAKER_01 17:36

I know. So I keep telling her, like, sweetheart, our elves. I'm trying to like tie in the fucking gnome that wasn't as fun for her as the elves, right? I'm like, our elves believe that all children are good, they understand that children make mistakes. Our elves are just here for fun to celebrate Christmas and count down the days for you. Like, elves that even kids have bad days. I hate the elf anxiety, elf anxiety for kids. Like, and I think that even having the pressure on kids that every day they have to be so good, like, kids are allowed to have bad days. Yeah, everyone is as adults. We have bad days. So I don't know. I just felt like I had to like talk about that because along with anxiety as adults, I think that the elves and Santa can create so much anxiety for little kids to feel like they can't have like their big emotions or else they're not gonna get presents. Like, ugh, I just hate it. Yeah, in tandem with the elf thing. Also, Santa, it's hard for me because I want her to like have all the magic I remember believing in Santa. Like, I want her to have that, but also I'm like, I'm like lying to her. I feel kind of guilty. I don't know. I'm just trying to emphasize what I try to do, like the one or two presents from Santa that are like pretty practical, and then the rest is from mom and dad, so that she doesn't get hung up on like I see stuff about like kids going to school and be like, Santa brought me a 60-inch TV, you know, and it's like other kids maybe Santa brought them a pair of socks. So I try to be like intentional with our one or two Santa gifts, like Santa is bringing her like the game of life because Santa knows she likes to do family night with her parents, and I don't know. I just think, yeah, as adults, Santa and Christmas and creating magic brings so much anxiety, but also for the littles.

SPEAKER_04 19:36

Yeah, I I'm glad that you brought that up. I as you as you were talking about just the elf, like I almost bought it. I almost bought the elf and did it this year, and I'm so glad I didn't. I mean, he has watched the short, right? About it.

SPEAKER_01 19:52

I don't know that he's as interested in that as he is prep and landing, but that's a cute little elf show, isn't it?

SPEAKER_04 19:59

Yeah, it's like the short, they look almost look like gnomes, like they're short elves and they're I want to watch it with Char. I think she'd like it. We watched a couple of them this morning. And they're not long. I mean, I think the longest ones are like 25 minutes, but some of them are like eight. But yeah, that's uh just to to create like that anxiety in your child. I mean, even Theo's favorite Christmas song, or the one that he sings the most, is the Santa Claus is coming to town. He knows if you've been sleeping, he knows you're awake. Like that is so much pressure. And I don't know that he understands just yet. I mean, he's still just kind of repeating verbatim phrases that he hears at the moment. There is also a part of him I think that does understand because he can quote the movies. He does have some semblance of understanding. But the pressure's there for everyone, right? There's just so much pressure. So much pressure for the parents, for just family gatherings, like if you don't have any kids, you go see your family and the pressure of going home, which I think we'll get into a little bit later in this episode. The next question is when you override your own needs, it's usually because there were four options on this question, like they were for all of them, but uh only two options were picked out of the four. When you override your own needs, it's usually because uh guilt, twenty-three percent, and fear of disappointing others, seventy-seven percent. The other two options that weren't chosen were habit, and it's just easier to do it. Which I think those last two are maybe a cover up for the core. Feeling of either guilt or fear of disappointing others. I think so too. 77 and 23% override their own needs because of an external fear.

SPEAKER_01 21:55

Or the fear of disappointing others.

SPEAKER_04 21:58

Which I again I think probably can stem from that anxiety.

SPEAKER_01 22:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 22:01

That makes me sad.

Guilt, People-Pleasing, And The Hermit Tie-In

SPEAKER_01 22:03

It's very funny because this is connected to our next episode that we're gonna record right after this one. But there's a lot of crossover between the hermit and kind of what we're talking about with the holidays. Yeah, I think. Like this would be a good two episodes right next to each other. So if you listen to this and any of it resonates, you should then listen to the Hermit episode next week, too. Because when I was like doing both of these, I was like, oh, so how do we be more hermit-like right now? Okay.

SPEAKER_04 22:31

The next question, which is what helps you hold a boundary with more confidence? This was a mixed response. I mean something of every response here. Scripts and knowing what to say, 27%. Supportive people, 27%, planning ahead, 36%, and noticing my body cues, 9%. That was a tough question for me to answer. Was it? Yeah. Because I was like, I might know what to say, but what does that help me more than I think I chose supportive people? And my sub like my supportive person is my husband.

SPEAKER_01 23:12

How does your supportive person help you with boundaries?

SPEAKER_04 23:17

I think we do a lot of talking before and after. We do a lot of talking. So it helps to like feel understood, be understood, and also know that somebody like has my back and is watching out for me, and I'm doing the same for him. I don't know that I could have a script and stick to it if I didn't have my supportive person. Because I could easily just throw that script out the window.

SPEAKER_01 23:43

In effort to people, please.

SPEAKER_04 23:45

Yeah. That was a tough one. These questions really made me think.

Support Systems And Boundary Confidence

Regression Around Family And Worry Cycles

SPEAKER_01 23:49

Yeah. I feel like that last question kind of ties into some stuff that I wrote down here about. Let's see. I wrote down something that maybe is helpful to talk about before we go flying into like the boundary stuff. Because I was intending on talking about like some boundary setting stuff. And what about you? Yeah. I have a okay. So I'm like we could just dive right into that. But I want to also acknowledge something I was just something I wrote down is how the holidays just brings up so many things. And I think right now, one of the things we're explicitly talking about in our questions is like the family conflict that it can kind of bring up, or like conflict with in within our relationships. But also some of the things that I wrote down that I think are also important to acknowledge about why the holidays are difficult is I'm gonna list them off. Feeling like our adult self disappears around family. Something that I too can even just identify that I feel sometimes within like family dynamics is like a regression, where all of a sudden I don't feel like I'm my adult self and I feel like I'm being treated like a child again. I had an interesting conversation with my mom recently. This is just speaking to the like regression piece. And I love you, mom. If you listen to this episode, I'm gonna I have to talk about this though. Okay, it's applicable. It's the topic of like, or it's the feeling of being worried about. And my mom is a big time worrier girly, okay. And Grayson is going through some issues right now with I'm choosing to be dairy free. I think that's his biggest issue. He's just a very exhausting baby. And my mom was like telling me when I was telling her this like, don't worry about him. I don't want you to be, or like, don't worry, he's gonna be okay. And I was like, Oh, I'm not worried, mom. Like, we're gonna figure it out. I'm not worried about him. And she was like, Well, I'm worried about you, like, I'm worried about if you're getting enough rest. My mom is such a worrier that my biggest regression around her is feeling like I have to like calm her anxiety because she's so worried. And I said to my mom, Mom, I don't need you to worry about me. I'm not worried about she because she went on, just like you're worrying about Grayson, I'm worrying about you. And I was like, Mom, I'm not worried about Grayson. Like she was like, We just we always worry about our children. And I was like, No, I'm not worried. Let me just tell you. Like, that's a you thing, mom. And I read something in a book recently that was talking about how worrying does not equate to loving somebody more. Just because you tell someone I'm so worried about you, that doesn't mean that you that's not a way of expressing love, is by worrying about someone. But because my mom kind of gets stuck in this like worrying loop, it makes me feel like then I can't just receive her support. I then have to ease her anxiety about me, about her being worried about me. I'm so worried you're not getting enough rest. Mom, I'm getting enough rest. I'm sleeping well, it's just hard right now. Don't worry. Like anytime we're worrying about someone, we're creating a dynamic where then that person has to tell us, like, but don't worry, you don't need to be worried. Anyway, that's my biggest regression.

SPEAKER_04 27:20

Yeah. Well, I think I don't know if this is the perfect fit. That I feel like a a lot of the times it comes up even in like my own experience being a therapist or my own experience just in life in general, is that people who love or care about you want to take that painful, uncomfortable feeling away from you, which isn't helpful. I think I had listened to a short clip of a podcast of someone I look up to very much, and they also said the same thing, which as like a therapist too, especially like as a therapist, your job is not to take your client's pain away, it's not to fix it for them in any way, shape, or form. But I will give credit to where credit is due. So I my longtime mentor, Dr. Salik Khalifa, he I watched a clip of his lecture that he did. And he said something to the extent of like as a therapist, your job is not to let your client suffer, but to allow them to suffer. Yeah. And your job is not to take away their pain and discomfort, it's to sit with them in that and to just witness that. Because we can't do anything to fix right that feeling or take it away. I mean, even if we were to take it away, that does them more harm than good.

SPEAKER_01 28:58

Sure. Yeah, they're not learning how to move through that themselves.

SPEAKER_04 29:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:02

And I think people just want to be seen in their pain. Like, even if that's not what we even if that makes us uncomfortable at first. Maybe maybe some of you listening would be like, I don't want anyone to see me in pain. But like the underlying need for us as humans who thrive on connection is to just be seen. Right? Like, what would be more helpful from my mom is her just saying, like, man, that is really hard. Can I do anything for you? Not worrying. I hate the worrying. Yeah, because then it becomes your responsibility to change his dynamic to ease her anxiety.

SPEAKER_04 29:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:45

Yeah. Oh, there it goes. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 29:49

Needs. Okay. And asking for what you need. And I think that's a big other part of boundary setting for the holidays, is and it comes up a lot, and I've learned my own lessons with this, I guess, so to speak. But like, especially during the holidays, I think this applies. Right? Like you were talking about this is the what you would want support from your mom to look like. It doesn't look like that. And a big part of like my own realization with speaking for what I need, or even telling clients, like, what does support look like for you, or how do you want that to look like for you? Because I think a lot of us just kind of, especially as you're just, you know, so ingrained in the the family dynamics or the culture, like we just expect support to look or feel a certain way or to always be there, but it's not. And then we learn to either isolate or not depend on people because they can't show up for us in the way that we want them to. I think also a big part of that, and especially during the holidays, this is hard, right? But that like we also get to ask for what we need. I mean, I think a therapeutic concept that comes up a lot is just mind reading, because a lot of people that come to therapy are good at reading body language or are good at reading people in general. They're good at hearing what's not said, which creates so much internal turmoil.

SPEAKER_01 31:21

I would also say they're they may also be sensitive. So they I would say I don't know that they're good at it. I think this maybe some are, but I think some are very hypersensitive to body language, hypersensitive to what they think people might be thinking, that is actually not happening. Right.

SPEAKER_04 31:44

No, that's a good point as a result of trauma, yes, etc.

SPEAKER_01 31:49

Family dynamic dynamics. Having to be one step ahead of family. So now we're very hypersensitive out in our adult life to things that are actually not happening. And even if they are, as adults, if people are not communicating to us clearly, it's not our responsibility. If people are having internal thoughts about like this so-and-so should be doing this, but they're not communicating that to us and they've never said a word, it's not our responsibility. Right.

SPEAKER_04 32:16

And I think again, how that comes up with needs is we assume support in a way. But I think the empowering aspect of it, especially during the holidays, is that we get to ask for what that looks like. That we get to ask for what we need and when and you know, give the other person the opportunity to show up for us how we need them to show up for us. And if they don't show up for us the way that we ask them to, that's not our fault, you know, that's on them. Yeah. And that might feel really disappointing and hurt a lot, but I also think that it protects us, you know, to ask for something that we need.

SPEAKER_01 32:54

And then to identify whether or not that person that we're asking that from can show up for us. There's a saying that my husband has told me from AA that is unspoken expectations are disappointments waiting to happen.

SPEAKER_04 33:11

Ooh, that's a good one.

Ask For What You Need, Not Mind Reading

SPEAKER_01 33:12

So just recognizing like any time we're not speaking to existence what the expectations actually are, but we're just assuming that others should just they should just know, we're kind of setting ourselves up to be disappointed. Because as adults, it's not on other adults to just know what our needs are. Right. This comes up a lot with like childhood trauma, where like it was the job of adults to kind of anticipate what our needs are, to help us learn what our needs are. And when that doesn't happen, then we show up in our adulthood kind of hoping that the people and the adults around us are gonna actually look like kind of meet that unmet childhood need of just identifying what our needs are. But that is not the job of other adults when we come into adulthood. It is our job to learn what our needs actually are, which is hard if that developmental kind of task didn't happen where somebody anticipated our needs and met those, so that we then learned what the needs actually are.

SPEAKER_04 34:18

That's a really good point. And I love that phrase because I think it totally applies to the holiday seasons, the unspoken expectations all over the place and uh the sheer amount of disappointment that I feel like also comes from that.

SPEAKER_01 34:32

Yeah. I also think that we were talking in an episode more recently about like the arrival fallacy. I also feel like the holidays kind of play into that arrival fallacy. Like we anticipate this like cozy, fun, chill time of year all year long, and then all of that expectation, like it gets here, and it's like just it's just another time of year, right? Like, sure, it can be fun, but when we're like, I don't know, when there's when we're kind of also meeting it with all of the pressure, because like now it's here. Now we have to perform, now we have to like be with our families and we have to create magic, et cetera, et cetera. It just kind of sets us up to be disappointed. Before we continue, I want to just I'm gonna read off the list because me and Miranda are very good about reading one thing and then talking about it. So I was just gonna say the holidays brings up so many things. One of those feeling like your adult self disappears around family, two, overfunctioning to keep the peace. Three, having that guilt when we're setting boundaries, even if it's like a very gentle boundary, boundaries are just difficult. Grief for the holidays that you wish you had, and then pressure to kind of perform happiness. I just wanted to acknowledge some of those because it's not only family conflict, like some people are grieving, right? And dealing with like holiday firsts, where you're missing your loved one or your friend or whoever it may be, or you know, just kind of feeling the absence of family that's important to you around the holidays. And that's also just another complex dynamic that connects to feeling like we have to perform happiness, but we can also feel grief through the holidays. The last question was what are you We didn't finish the questions?

SPEAKER_04 36:25

No, we have one more.

SPEAKER_00 36:27

Oh my god. Okay, and then we can jump into all the other stuff we had. We're already 45 minutes in. Okay. It's a good episode. It is. It is.

SPEAKER_01 36:36

Okay, continue. As I was saying, we're very is it a me problem?

SPEAKER_04 36:41

No. Okay. No, I think we just, I mean, that's why we choose these story polls, right? Yeah. Because they are not conversation starters, but I think it's helpful to see how many other people feel similarly. Yeah. And just talking that through. Each each question deserves their own segment. But we also have our own notes to go through. So last question is what are you most craving this holiday season? 18% said slowness, 45% said connection, 0% said quiet, and 36% said space to breathe. Which I think all of those responses are interesting.

SPEAKER_01 37:25

Me too. I think it's interesting that 0% are craving quiet.

SPEAKER_04 37:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:30

Because I'm craving quiet.

SPEAKER_04 37:32

My house is so loud. Well, I think that also maybe speaks to what happens when you are quiet. Nobody wants to sit in the quiet because it brings up uncomfortableness.

SPEAKER_01 37:42

Again, reminds me of the hermit.

SPEAKER_04 37:44

Interesting. Yep. About these responses. But the most people like the most responses being connection, which I feel like is ideal, you know? When you think of holidays, you think of connection, or at least that's what you would hope for.

SPEAKER_01 38:03

Yep. I think there's also a lot of unmet needs for connection. Or also the holidays kind of amplifying like family dynamics that already exist. Right? It doesn't really I don't necessarily think the holidays brings anything new that's not already present, but I think that all of our family dynamics get very much amplified.

SPEAKER_04 38:29

Yeah.

Unspoken Expectations And Adult Roles

SPEAKER_01 38:30

Right? Like people are seeing their families or people are asking you, like, are you going home for Christmas? And if you have more of a hard-lined, boundaried, estranged relationship with your family, you're kind of having to answer that question over and over again and being hit in the face with like that very complicated relationship dynamic and grief that goes along with that.

SPEAKER_04 38:54

Yeah. I mean, space to breathe is the second most and slowness is the next.

SPEAKER_01 39:01

I think adding on to the like connection piece, that so many kind of identified that what they're hoping for was like connection during this time, right? If we have family dynamics where that need for connection isn't being met through family, the importance of making sure that you're connecting to people that fill that fill that hole for you. You know, because like I will say there's a lot of kind of discourse right now. I feel like that I keep picking up on on whether or not it's quote unquote like right for people for adults to be estranging from like their parents or their families of origin. And I think a lot of my clients who have chosen to do that really feel that, like they feel some. I don't know if I want to say it's guilt. I mean, we can just call it grief. And I do think for, you know, everyone that I've ever kind of encountered who's made the decision to estrange themselves from family is a very, very complicated, difficult decision. And they feel it during the holidays.

SPEAKER_03 40:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:17

You know, like it's not an easy decision, usually takes a lot of time to come to. And I think it's just important for really surrounding yourselves or yourself with getting and maintaining connection to the people who just feel good to you. You know, that feel good to be around, that feel connecting. And sometimes that comes with like some anxiety. I've had a lot of clients who talk about like, you know, so and so invited us over to like their family dinner and feeling some anxiety about that.

SPEAKER_04 40:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:49

But I think that if it feels right to you, if it feels good, pushing yourself to kind of go and experience some connection. And yeah, it is gonna bring up grief, you know, but recognizing the importance in you maintaining connection to again people who feel good to you during this time of year. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Craving Connection, Slowness, And Space

SPEAKER_04 41:12

And I think to speak to like the boundary setting, at least in this regard, I there's a I think he's a therapist, Matthias Barker. He does a lot of good videos, but I when you were talking about that, one of his videos specifically came to mind about estrangement and like how someone comes to that decision, and how I think it's done out of like a protection of self, right? Deciding to estrange yourself from someone, and then I think of that coupled with Another video I saw about maintaining boundaries with family over the holidays is just like the desire is always going to be there, right? That's why the grief comes into play when you realize that you can't have this with the person that you want it with. But that self-protection is also there. And it's just like asking somebody, it's like inviting what was the video? The video was something to the extent of like, you never let me see the kids, or you never like bring them over, or I never get to do this or that. And it was like, no, we can do this. And then, you know, we have invited you. We're just, you know, you can come inside our home, but we ask that, you know, you take off your shoes, or you leave such and such habit at the door, or you respect this rule that we've made around one that comes up, especially for us this time of year, is like physical space bubbles, especially with our two-year-old who doesn't know he gets uncomfortable when people get in his bubble. Rightfully so. That's like an instinctual sign, but he doesn't have the words to communicate like his boundaries. So we have to do that for him. And you can you can come in. We just ask you to take your shoes off at the door, or you respect the asking for a hug first before you just go in for one. Or when the other person says, like, no, no, no, I can't do that. It's like, we told you, right? We communicated our needs to you, or we told you how we wanted you to show up.

SPEAKER_01 43:11

And if you're unwilling to do that, then that's not I always have the conversation related to boundaries that boundaries are to protect ourselves, not to control other people. Something I have in here. Yeah. So many people get very like flustered. I always say we're usually setting boundaries, not always, but I feel like usually we're setting boundaries with people who may not be good at boundaries, which complicates how easy it might feel to set a boundary. Because usually maybe that person isn't going to be able to accept the fact that we're setting a boundary. So the important thing to remember is that when we're setting a boundary, when we're saying, you know, something like you're saying, Miranda, like if you want to come to our home, you need to leave your shoes at the door as like an example. And if they say, well, no, like I'm keeping, I always keep my shoes on everywhere I go. Like I'm not doing that. Okay, well, then you can't come in. Like we can meet you at the door, but you can't come into our home because this is this is our rule, right? We always have to finish our boundaries, I think, with like, how are we gonna respond if that person can't do it? How are we gonna respond if that person says, nope, I'm not doing that? Well, then what do we do? Right. And that's what makes boundaries so hard is that I feel like it's often that people disrespect them.

SPEAKER_04 44:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:28

Right? Or forget them or whatever it may be, but it is your job as an adult to protect yourself from hurt, from pain, from whatever it may be. It's your job to kind of return back to yourself and then identify what do I need? How am I gonna protect myself? What needs to happen if this person can't meet this boundary?

SPEAKER_04 44:51

And hurt and pain are unavoidable. Like if they can't meet this boundary, you're going to feel hurt and pain, and you're going to know that. But I think knowing that on your own terms, right? That doesn't that without abandoning yourself. Yes. Because that hurts more when you abandon yourself because you were supposed to look out for you and you didn't. Or you chose not to, or you reverted back to old patterns, which happens all the time. So by no means is it like a like no shame about it. Like it's just something that comes with time and putting it.

SPEAKER_01 45:27

We have to create awareness. Are we abandoning ourselves in fear of disappointing others? One of our biggest like fears in the very first question.

SPEAKER_04 45:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 45:35

Right? Like, what boundaries are we then leaving at the door, at our door, right? In order to kind of please the person that we're letting into our home. That's not how that should go.

SPEAKER_04 45:45

And I have here that like there's a myth that boundaries ruins relationship. And I truly don't think it does. I think boundaries create the possibility of real intimacy and relationships, right? The speaking up for yourself and the letting the other person have the opportunity to become a little bit more vulnerable to meet you where you are. And I don't know that that creates any type of ruin. No. And the boundaries are an attempt at repairing relationship, not rejecting, which I often think that gets used as an excuse, right? This boundary is a punishment. You're punishing me.

Estrangement, Protection, And Self-Respect

SPEAKER_01 46:26

Yeah. With the people who struggle with boundaries. That's not a punishment. No. And you have to think too. Think about your most unboundied relationship. We all have them. Right? Whether we have them right now or we've had them in the past. How do we feel in that relationship? I feel a lot of resentment, a lot of frustration. I feel quite exhausted. Walking on like I'm walking on eggshells. I feel like I can't truly be myself. Boundaries do not ruin the relationship. My unboundied relationships are my relationships historically that would be the most exhausting ones until they then had boundaries. Because then that then I can navigate them with more space.

SPEAKER_04 47:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:10

With more like, okay, this actually feels fulfilling because I'm choosing to say yes to going and seeing this person. Gotta go because I was invited and I don't want to disappoint them. And well, then I'm just going, like not even being my most like presentable self. And I'm sure they can feel that to some extent too.

SPEAKER_04 47:29

Everybody wants to maintain a happy face, though. Probably won't say anything, but yeah. I want to go over just a couple of things, just getting into the why, how, what, when. I think we talked about that last episode, right? And talking about like why we talked about why boundaries are so hard this time of year, right? The family systems, the activating childhood wounds. Guilt as a psychological response, though, and not as a sign that you're doing anything wrong. Tell me more about that. Um, I just I remember what what which question was it? That guilt was a big one. Big one. The question we had was when you override your own needs, it's usually because guilt, 23%, fear of disappointing others, 77%.

SPEAKER_01 48:20

It also feels like guilt.

SPEAKER_04 48:21

Yeah. And guilt doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It is a psychological response to a very stressful situation. The returning to the childhood home where you then adopt or put on these childhood like the childhood hat. You revert to your old self. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It just means it is a symptom of a much deeper psychological wound.

SPEAKER_01 48:53

Yeah, and like an old role that we played.

SPEAKER_04 48:57

And one that doesn't fit anymore. Like the going back home, the putting back on that hat, it doesn't fit. You outgrew it a long time ago, and you still put it back on. Yeah. We all do to some extent. And when I think the the most transformative part about all of this is that when other people can accept that you've changed or that you've grown, and you don't have to revert back to that old version of yourself just to fit a mold of what Christmas or holidays is supposed to look like. Yeah. And everybody can show up with more authentic like authentic authenticity.

unknown 49:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 49:34

Authenticity. That's the magical part about it, right? Like that's the going back to like the grief can coexist at the same time as merriment or holiday.

SPEAKER_01 49:48

Yes, I like that. I really think it's important to remember that I speak a lot about duality. And like we can both we can experience both. We can experience grief and joy. We do not have to experience one or the other.

SPEAKER_04 50:03

And it I feel like when you allow for both to happen, or when you give space for both, that is when it's more meaningful. When you're not just one-sided in your experience, but when you're all encompassing. Yeah. I wanted to go over what practical healthy boundaries can look like for people listening. I have here just a list of examples like time boundaries. We're staying for two hours and then we're going. Yes. Emotional boundaries is like I won't discuss XYZ topic, which I feel like comes up a lot in people I I talk with all the time.

unknown 50:40

Totally.

SPEAKER_04 50:41

Because then it just it creates discourse and not that discourse should be avoided, but I mean, if you know where other people clearly stand and you don't agree, there's no need to turn things into a debate. Like you can set that for yourself. The other one being financial boundaries. Like we're keeping gifts simple this year, we're only spending this much. My family and I we do Secret Santa every year in the last five or six. I don't even know how long we've been doing it, but like we draw names this year, especially. Like we have other financial obligations to take care of. The limit went from like 200 to$50. I think it's more about like the thought behind the gift, or you know, you can still get someone something that they want. You also don't need to like put it on a credit card for them necessarily, you know, rental debt for on holiday like this.

SPEAKER_01 51:32

And also as families are growing, I think the expectation to be giving people in the family$200 gifts probably could be reevaluated.

SPEAKER_04 51:42

Yeah. And then availability boundaries, which I think is one that like I know I struggle with, but like the the doing all of the things or the saying yes to all of the events or cramming it into your schedule. That's a hard one. The next one I wanted to just kind of touch on would be like practical responses or scripts that might work for you. One being like, you could just simply say that doesn't work for us this year. Or we're choosing a slower pace this season, or thank you for thinking of us. Here's what we can do. And then in the moment, just saying, like, I'm gonna step away, I'll be back.

Boundaries Protect, Not Punish

SPEAKER_01 52:24

And also I like to tell people that also just no. No is an answer. Just no, no, period. We all have a tendency to kind of over-explain our no's. We don't have to, just like no is a full sentence.

SPEAKER_04 52:42

Yeah, I love that one. It's a great reminder. That is my next little bullet point is protecting your inner peace without overexplaining. Explanations often escalate more than they soothe.

SPEAKER_01 52:55

I completely agree. Well, I feel like our entire point gets completely lost in an over-explanation. If we're trying to say no, but then we're going on like this whole tangent of like over-explanation as to why we're saying no, our no has been lost.

unknown 53:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 53:14

Keep it simple. Keep it simple.

SPEAKER_04 53:16

And part of protecting your inner peace is letting people be disappointed without taking responsibility for their feelings.

SPEAKER_01 53:22

It's not your nobody has to sign off on your boundary. It is yours.

SPEAKER_04 53:26

Yeah, I think that's incredibly important. Yeah. And then the last thing I wanted to touch on is just like what to do when family doesn't like your boundary. Like practical ways to stay grounded when someone pushes back. I think the importance of repetition on a boundary, right, establishes the holding true to your boundary, right? Because people will push back on it. And you have every right to hold that boundary. And, you know, you can always tell them that you're going to leave if they don't respect that boundary. Which I feel like might bring some sense of awareness to how important it is to you, right? Like if someone was to push your boundary and you said, you know what, I'm gonna leave. Maybe they would not push, maybe, or maybe not.

SPEAKER_01 54:18

But that is always an option. It's not about whether or not they won't push or will push, it's about you.

SPEAKER_03 54:25

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 54:25

The power of repetition. You can always re-evaluate your boundary. Yeah. I think it's so important to stay true to yourself.

SPEAKER_04 54:33

I think, at least for myself, having a support person, one person you can count on, or someone outside of the dynamic you can call to talk to. Or, you know, maybe write yourself some notes you can go back to and read, be your own support person if that's all you have. All of those could be helpful. A moment as a way to hold true to your boundary. But again, I mean, overall, like choosing choosing connection without abandoning yourself. Yes. Is I hope the message that like this episode leaves.

SPEAKER_01 55:09

There was a Instagram post I saw this morning from somebody who pos I think whoever this is, I don't know who this is. It's some a friend reposted it. But it says women are graded on three things. How much we are willing to sacrifice, how much we are willing to serve, and how much we are willing to downplay our greatness. And it says that's the entire rubric of good womanhood in a patriarchal society. And I feel like so much of that is just relevant to the holidays. Like we've very much touched on like how much are we willing to sacrifice, how much are we willing to serve in the holiday season, like in the you know, we've talked in past episodes about like emotional labor. I feel like all of that is just so much amplified, like so much more so amplified in the holidays, creating magic. Yeah. I mean, I will say my husband is in charge of the elves. But like women, it I think a lot of this does fall on women. Yeah, definitely. Thanks for joining us for our holiday episode. I hope that some of this was helpful. Thank you for listening. Yeah, thanks so much for listening. Just a reminder about our workshop coming up on January 4th. If you want to sign up, you can find the link on our Instagram or it's also on my website, 1111 spelled out, 1111therapyco.com. And we hope to see you there. Also, if this episode resonated with you, send it to somebody that you know who could also benefit. Leave us a review if you haven't already, just to help us spread the word about our podcast.

SPEAKER_04 56:45

We have a Google feedback form also linked in our bio. So if you feel want to share your thoughts, feelings, questions, participate with us in any way, shape, or form, you can join us by leaving some feedback for us there. We love checking in and reading those responses and feels very meaningful and valuable to us. We've had it's been fun this last week to just kind of watch where our episodes get downloaded and which ones get downloaded. I'm like pulling a butt sprout right now.

SPEAKER_01 57:20

I think we've reached seven countries in how many cities? Let me, I think 70, but let me see. Stats 72. 72 cities in seven countries. It's so cool. Like we've had a listener from like Singapore, apparently, area, yeah, Germany. We've had all sorts of like Edinburgh. Yep. So cool. Yeah. Next week we'll be talking about the hermit. Come join us. Come take a seat at our table. Bye. Bye.